I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
there is glitter all over my balls
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