hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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