Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
my poor anus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
