glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
