i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
