doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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