he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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