As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
