OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Four minutes until I can fart!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
