I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
