i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Welp...herpes.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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