having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
