dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
