for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
