Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
