I wish I could teleport
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
