Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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