I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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