She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
