How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
