Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
