i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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