Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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