oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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