on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
