At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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