End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
