we made out on top of his cat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
