Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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