you would pick up someone in the library
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
