So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
