I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
