I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
