Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
