It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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