Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
