All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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