Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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