i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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