how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
