Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Randomize
