I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't turn off my feet"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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