this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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