I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
