i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
