there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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