theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
