i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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