Sry I called you an 8
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
