I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
