maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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