when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
