That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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