Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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