Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
