Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
